(Fade out)

update

2006-10-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday My knee met with a concrete chute travaling at high speeds and while it didn't break, I got a little bruised up so I took the day off...It still throbs a little here and there, but it seems ok. I feel bad because I took the day off...maybe I should, I still could have worked a little bit...but maybe I should finally rest and heal a little bit...

So school didn't work out this year...that hurt alot, and it is now becoming apparent that Jesus didn't want me there just yet...but it still sucks because I wanted to be there...but he didn't so..I'll leave it for a while and try next year.

I guess I should make some money and settle down for a bit, just saying that feels a a little wrong but also it is rest for me...To actually get some money under my belt and just work and work some more...maybe it will be good for me...

But I am going to challenge my journeyman ticket for cement finishing I have the hours, so I might as well get it...Study a little bit write a test and be certified by the alberta government to get paid more. It sounds good to me...

my thoughts today

no woman...no cry...BullshiT

2006-09-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

I said good bye to someone today who has brought so much happiness into a life that was going downhill...so at least I thought it was...

So I was offically accepted to McGill, YEA...but then found out that while I was accepted...I was accepted to the wrong program!McGill screwed up! and now I have to wait to see if I will be accepted next year! (FLUCKERS! ... ... bloody birds following me around...shitting all over my truck... bastards!) As much as I hate it, I know in my little bloody heart that God is in it. I don't understand him...but what am I going to do...whine complain and bitch...YUP...ok moving on. oh and I was going to be taking buisness managmetn (I don't even know how to spell it. )

I had some of the happiest times of my last few years this last month...thats all I am going to write...

done.
this one is for you suzy!
I'm your worn in leather jacket
I'm the volume in your fucked up teenage band
A bag of smokes and a six pack
I'm the dreams you had walking down the railroad tracks
You and Me.
I'm your first taste of romance
I'm your first broken heart on a Saturday night
Guys like us ain't got no chance
But I'm the thing that keeps you and me alive
But not forever

So take me down the roadtake me to the show
its something to believe inthat no one else knows
but don't take me granted
I'm the blood on your guitar
I'm that wave you caught back in 1975
I'm as strong as a thousand armies
I'm as soft as petal on a long stem rose
I am love
I'm with you when you're born
You can take me when you die
With all the reasons why
But don't take me for granted

-Social Distortion

Suzy

Black Holes and Revelations

2006-07-26T22:00:00.000-07:00

Sitting at home
should be in bed

I've been waiting for a long time, a long long long time. I got an email today..."Welcome to McGill" I'm not believing it until I get the "real" paper work, I'm not counting my Chickens before they hatch. But I can almost taste the long hours studying and the classes and all that...

Its going to be hard...I'm going to need all the prayer I can get if I get accepted...the real paper work...I want to see it in writing before I start saying I'm accepted into McGill.

Someplace to write, this is pretty depressing, so I guess if you want to read it go ahead.

2006-06-26T18:22:00.000-07:00

Last night hanging out with some friends at BP's, my friend said that I should go into full time ministry...The pain went right from my heart into my body. I used to want to be a pastor, but now after all these years, the last thing I want to be is a pastor.

Over the last couple of years, there has been some amazing times time of knowing God was there and knowing that it was alright to be who he made me to be. But as I speak right now, God seems very close, but the words of people echo in my ears, and now with summer upon me and and I gain some distance from some people because of my hours at work, I realize that maybe some of the relationships were different that I thought. As I spend time with some crew who just love me for my mistakes; I rest in their...love...My dirty, tired ways, I know are there, but they love me just as I am. I rest. I don't need to change, I don't get lectures about who I should be, all that I know is that I can go to them and ask for prayer. and they give it, and I rest in the fact that I don't get lectured, don't get scolded, don't get a whole lot of behaviral manipulation. I am just loved.

Ministry, me full time. I don't think so, I would rather die. but I was dieing anyways trying to be who they wanted me to be. so maybe I should just rest in the love of friends who don't care that I swear sometimes (Especially when I'm mad), I smoke sometimes, and don't want to talk about God because honestly I'm tired of talking about God. I just want to be loved.

Waiting

2006-06-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

MY life has but one goal right now, waiting.

Waiting for my acceptance/rejection (OWCH) from McGill, and on that hinge all my other waiting balance. I'm not liking this hole thing, I sit around each day hoping that McGill will get back to me. Wishing that they would get to me soon, if I don't go to Montreal I am going to start a concrete crew here in Calgary, maybe buying a house in crowsnest pass. Getting a quad, and setting up a foundation to rescue panda's from mainland china.

But in my mind that would be settling, settling for the life of everyone else out there to make money and buy a house and live that life.

oh I have talked about this before, but really I don't want a house and a picket fence. I want to be flying high in the stratosphere, going to my death for the people I love. sounds heroic? Maybe I have read to many books but man I hope for a life like that.

oh how I wish I was content with a home, a wife and a family...But I can't settle.

friends

2006-06-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a weekend in pidgon lake, I've been sick for a while so it was awesome just to get away and drink some and have a whole lot o fun.

Tell you what...Its so great to have friends...Laugh make, slag and just have a great time...

2006-05-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

A friend and me were sitting at Jerries the other night and he looks at me and says, "We all need some anger managment courses, or at least lets go get a job at Mcdonalds. When some one comes up and orders, we could smile and tell them to F#$k OFF!, wouldn't that feel awesome".

I laughed and laughed because again I have this anger boiling inside of me, and to be honest it would feel a hell of a lot better just to yell at someone one of these days. So this has been what is on my heart, I have had many people who run rough shod over me. And in todays politically correct Christian culture we live in, you can't just look at them in the eye and say "You asshole stop rolling over me" because you are seen as lacking tackt and have no diplomacy skills.
But the more watch TV and see what is going on in other peoples lives, I see a relection whats going on in my heart, this type of diplomacy is killing me and making me and many people have anger issues.

Now I might just be singing to my self or something, but honestly I'm praying for the day when a Man could just go up to another Man, and fight it out, right there, right now, duke it out western style. In the mud, blood and the beer. Because honestly men (notice the lowercase) today are not men at all if we are allowing our hearts to be enslaved by what we are keeping on the inside, its killing us, destroying us, turning us into panty wearing, high heeled, I care what my hair looks like freaks of nature. Where as Men in the old days cared about many more important things such as taking care of their families, Defending their names honor, teaching their kids how to live upright with a belief rather than rules. Fighting when there needed fighting to be done, and loving when there needed to be loving done. Men ; Who told people what they thought of each other, and that made them stronger and fought each other to make each other stronger or dead.

This might be seen as barbaric, but I'm to the point, where barbaric is a whole lot painless in the long run, because now where we hide all our hurts inside never telling people what we think of them, or how they are treating us, and letting that pain and suffereing eat us from the inside out.

Its been a long time

2006-05-25T18:33:00.000-07:00

Waiting, and more waiting. I get accepted to the MBA program at McGill in two days, sent an email to McGill saying that I only had 2 year diploma 3 days...but to get accepted to their regular program 35 days and counting.

Work, its been insaine but good. I have almost halved my debt, but everytime I see a plane flying especially a small one zooming through the air, my heart skips a beat. But I have a story for you... from my concrete job.

So I am waiting for my acceptance, was supposed to leave for boot camp at the end of may. I didn't want to work concrete, didn't want to be in my parents house...anyways there was and still is a lot of didn't wants to do this summer. so back to the story, So i'm sitting there at work, the time had just passed where McGill could give me my acceptance and I could make summer boot camp and I was a little pissed off, so I'm at work pouring driveways and I'm on the chute and my boss John Greeg is raking the concreto. I turn to him "Hey John I guess I'm working here for the summer".

He gets all giddy, (You got to understand John is not a giddy guy, he is a guy who has done concrete for all his life, and can have a life but is not a giddy guy) So he gets all giddy, I look at him, My hard ass boss is all giddy. "Whats up with you"? I ask.
He looks me right in the eye and doesn't say a thing. all of a sudden I see it, his whole plan. The bastard has been praying that I stay the summer.

So I says to him "You've been praying " and he just laughs...and nods his head.

Dingus, All because God listed to my boss I have to stay the summer now.

HAHAHAHAHAHA, Jesus works in mysterious was....just like the bible says...

I couldn't believe it, 10 years of working with this guy and he chooses the last years to start praying...

I love that guy..

Its a day

2006-04-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day, woke up at 5:20 and walked out in the rain to go to work. Walked outside in the 10 degree weather, and let it fall on my face, droplets of wet on a tired face.

the drops would fall on my face and the shockwave of spring flowed through my body, waking up a tired bear from a long sleep.

The past couple of Months have been crazy as some of you have read. On top of that I have been sick for the past 2 weeks, thinking it was just the flu. I was put on my back this sunday, On monday I was so sick I couldn't move, it took me a couple of hours to get out of bed to get up stairs and usually in the morning the light screams into our house through our kitchen windows, well this morning like a haircut you set your clock too, the sun was a shining and the pain I felt coming through my now sensitive eyes was as if the entire pitsburg pirates baseball team was mashing my head into a crazy death dealing migraine. So I sat in the tub all day monday with the lights out, everyfew hours warming the tub back up, praying that my now mashed brain would stop with the fireworks going off and get some quite around here.

But yea...went to the doctor and I may have a Parasite! From Sri lanka(Insert Cheering section here)

So yea, all of a sudden after all this mess, today I go to work, in the rain, and I have hope...I can't explain it, but Hope. I havn't known hope in a long time but its there...hope...Maybe the sun is rising on my dark night of the soul.

Waiting for trust

2006-03-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

Last night I was hanging out with some friends, at jerries. I met a guy there by the name of Jason. We both share something in common, Lack of trust. We talked and told our stories, and finally I ask Fred who was listing in, "Man what do you think"? He has been going through a messy seperation for a while, and he just lets loose on me, almost crying that I need to trust again. Forgivness is nothing without trust. How can I say that I forgive without trusting the person again, how can I, Forgivness is not complete until I trust. I havn't trusted many people since bible school, or even my whole life, there are a few like my brother John, Jeremy, Heather, Eldon.(ie. Family) Many of my friends have a. Either gone out with my girlfriend b. Or girlfriend try and go out with friend. (I think this is saying something, har har).

I'm not trying to rant, I'm just thinking here. So I'm guessing I just want to trust again, Want to trust again, I want to forgive totally. I want that little bit of anger to finally leave. (or big bit)...ok kind of half thought but I must run and finish this another day/.

So much

2006-03-18T16:11:00.000-08:00

So much to write about...but the one thing I will start with is, why can't my life be like normal peoples sometimes...Where problems occure once in a while, but in the last couple of months, a new one pops up everyday.

These past 6 months have had nothing but ups and down, like, graduating. Down, loosing trust in someone that I have trusted for years...Trying to get into the airforce, but having to wait for everything (Personal references, mark statements, graduation papers) and still wait for them. Finding out that while I'm still a Christian, and that I have been for 5 years, and will be until I die. The Church (building) just doesn't fit anymore here in North America for me, I don't understand it, I don't get it. and I've spent the last 3 years trying to figure it out, so I think I'm going to go out on my own again with the crew that I found that are in the same mind as me. I just remember the times when I didn't have a church, just friends and I saw God move more in those days more than I have ever seen in the church...And while I have given it a chance, I just feel like God is saying its time to move on, I tried and tried to fit in, be one of them, but as I join the military, and want to go and live my life, I get told more and more, that I need to change, be someone I am not. And except for a few friends who actually are watching my back, and my family. It seems like no one wants me to follow what is in my heart. They all want me to be just like them.

prayer

2006-02-25T17:44:00.000-08:00

Well...Its a good day, I finnally chose to forgive some people...and that felt awesome...Just freeing, as mom says don't let the bastards get you down...and me holding grudges just messed up my life. But I guess I like to forgive when I actually forgive, I prayed that God would help me forgive, and in my heart I finally did.

well there is another prayer that I remember from long ago...

May God thwart all your plans and destroy your ambitions.
So that you may learn to trust in the Lord, and in his plans.

I like that.

ok you want an update...I'll give you an update

2006-02-19T14:15:00.000-08:00

ok update for james...umm...still waiting for the response from SAIT, and until then I sit on my ass, and dream of the day when I can apply for the Air Force. I'm concrete finishing and that sucks...there is no challenge in it any more...I want to learn new things and have new challenges. I'm living at the farm still and its nice, life right now is in transition, I'm coming out of an old shell and trying to break in my new skin. Its hard, fun sometimes but other times it sucks.

Since I kissed dating good bye I have kind of kissed flirting good bye, but thanks adam for the help and I've gotten back on track and have gotten my snuggling time back up and my smooth talking is better than ever! or at least getting better. So I'm feeling better.

I'm 24 years old and am feeling the pressure to get married so I can be respectable and all that. I was reading the alchamest the other day. and read something, I can't quote it at all, but it goes something like this. Love does not hinder dreams, it should not be to rid yourself of your dream to get married to think this is love is false. Love is something that will be there, and always be there. True love is to follow the dreams of your hearts and support each other till the death, not to give up and not control, not to make the other give up everything so that you feel special but to put wind in each others sails and hand in hand walk into the dreams of your life. So...Havn't found someone like that just yet, so no marriage for me.

ummm....Yea...I think that was better...

love you all

james

Right in the britsh sense

2006-02-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

ok...I feel dumber today, I tried to take an iq test and didn't want to finish it...hahahah...Well I know I got 137 on an old test...so maybe need more coffee or something like that today. ok Update on my life

Besides trying to be a pacifistic pilot, oh how does the piece where I want to learn how to fight factor into that...haha, ok I just took another one...its processing...I'm waiting in anticipation...the page is refreshing, now they want 6.95 for my results...Screw them...I don't need to be smart just yet...

ok bake to the bread that was my update of my life.

ok, I'm concrete finishing again, learning to not sluff off what I hate the most right now.
Kind of just kickin' around with a home a truck and a some other stuff....ooo I have to get off...the update will have to wait...

So true

2006-02-08T18:02:00.000-08:00

Subject: UCLA STUDY
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending
on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a
man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while
he is on fire.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH

Yea

2006-02-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Well I didn't get home till 9:30 last night...and when you start work at 6:30, that was too long of a day. But I got the day off today... which was nice. Woke up this morning and ate a grapefruit...It was nice with a little sugar on top...But today I'm exahsted, I used muscles yesterday that I didn't know I had. But yea...this lately since the last email have been good, That angry couple of days were cleared up, Good ol' forgivness.

ITS LATE

2006-01-21T22:19:00.000-08:00

This week has been one for the books...or rather these last two weeks have been. My life is always in flux, there is always something going on...People get mad at me, they say always a problem...That pisses me off,

Like I have always tried to be the good guy, Always tried to be a help, But I'm done with it...Honestly I'm tried of people, tired of almost all of it. Tired of people with no heart...Well
"logically that doesn't make sense!" they say..Well who cares about logic sometimes...My if life is run by logic then we would all be a bunch of assholes treating each other like a robots... Sic of it GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

I think I just made a descision that will change my life

2006-01-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Well...After talking with a great friend erin for an hour about my freaking out about the descision that will require me to put 20 years down on a contract. Me freaking out because who would want to marry a millitary man, and 20 years..I'll be 44 by the time I get out. Thats just crazy, but in that time I will maybe learn how to fly and be the best airforce pilot out there, burning up the sky with my f-18 (Hopefully) and kicking ass all the way to Stalingrad. I was freaking out because there is so much resting on this descision...

but Erin said "this if you go against that (being my dream to fly fighters and eventually go to space) - you may end up resenting the reason you went against it...your wife and family.

This is so true...I would resent them...and I know I would.

I know that God has shown me the path to this, and that he planted this dream in my heart since I was 2 years old. and now is the time to try and reach it...and if I fail, I know that I have tried...so tomorrow...I'm going to the recruiting office, and getting into the Royal military college.

Something I read

2005-12-23T15:18:00.000-08:00

Today I was reading Robert Ludlum's newest book "The Ambler Warning" Which is a dark spy thriller...extremely dark...dealing with the loss of an identity that has been wiped from the face of the earth...And I was reading it and I came across this quote.

" Tarquin looked at him anew and saw a man who was doing what he believed duty demanded, a man who took pride in his formidable skills but no pleasure in their deadly consequences. The man was, in his sense of himself, not so much warrior as guardian; he knew that throughout human history there has has alwys been men like him--whether pretorian prefect, Knight Templar, or samurai-- who turned themselves into implements of steel so that others would not need to. Men who were hard so that others could be soft. Men who killed so that others could live safely. Protection was his watchword; protection was his creed".

As I re-read that...and looked at it again...I started talking to Jesus...and these words came to me.
"The test of a man, is not to reach the mountain top, but to come crashing down to the bottom and seeing that he is not as powerful as he thinks, but is stronger than he knows."

For those who know me...One of my biggest dreams that has been with me since I can remember, is to fly fighter planes...The faster the better... I wanted to fly balls to the wall...Top Gun was one of my favorite movies, but I liked fighters way before the movie, Tom cruise was no reason to go and jump into a f-14 and be all I could be. I wanted to be the best, and maybe get a chance to fly to space, When I was 5 I can remember dreaming of this, and its a dream that still haunts me to this day.

I was signed up to fly f-18's for the military when I was 17, but God took me instead, and at the time told me that flying fighters wasn't going to happen then so I took my name off the list. And Started listeing to what Jesus said and started doing it. now I'm 24, and about 5 or 6 months ago i started thinking again, the urge to fly came back, the urge to go to space and laugh it up flying through weightlessness and drinking juice from the air.

But there was a hitch, In order to fly to space I needed military certifications...i needed to be trained to fly combat, man against man, to the death. Because that is what space required, a razors edge pilot who was trained to be the best, who puts his own life on the line for others. And being meno, there was a big problem to this because I'm supposed to be pacifistic, and all that jazz...but in my blood I'm not, I've always picked the fights, gotten beaten up, and pounded others. But the fights were always me against bully, or people who were picking on my friends. I never liked to fight just for the fun of it, well I did, but I never bullied people...I guess that is what I am trying to say.

So yea...Now this Christmas God has brought my dream full front to me. I have the chance to try out and become a fighter pilot to fly f-18's for the RCAF. I have to commit 10 years to them, I might not get to fly fighters, but be slotted to flying cargo planes and the like. But I am going to try...I have to talk to two more people about this but so far. Everyone who i have talked to say that I should just do it...If this is your dream do it, so right now the answer is yes.

I asked God to bring me to a situation where I could be the man I knew I was...it seems that he has brought me there.

"The test of a man, is not to reach the mountain top, but to come crashing down to the bottom and seeing that he is not as powerful as he thinks, but is stronger than he knows."

Static

2005-12-14T07:18:00.000-08:00

For a while i have been thinking about two things...Static relationships, and dynamic ones...Static, kind of boring...the routine doesn't change much, you just sit there and do the same thing over and over and over again.
Dynamic relationships...Where there is one thing that is stable, the fact that the person will never go away unless you really piss em off...so there is an almost unlimited amount of stuff you can talk about, do and say. Its like a breath of freah air, everytime you are with the person, or maybe a chance just to get shat off yea ol' chest...

For me God has always been the second...Like I have alluded to before, ever since bible school, when I first heard him, I can still remember it, in chaple when I was doing sound, I said out loud, God why arn't those people in the back worshiping, and right back he answered in a voice " because their hearts arn't in it" And then I thought I was going nutz...I tried to talk to people about it, but I was called an assorted bakers dozen of things, and was told that I needed help. So I went to yea old biblio, and read, and saw that God really did talk to people that way...had conversations with him, and it just was...So I thought...hmmm...I'm not nutz...This was the way it was in the old testimint (HAR HAR...mint...testa- mint...or Christian marketing) why would it change in the new....so yea...me and Jesus have gotten tight over the years, talking about all sorts of things, and him asking me to do all sorts of things...like go to bosnia, go hug that person, go talk to this guy, This is the verse of the day...but it just wansn't like that either...I would wake up and he would start the day by saying morning' and we would talk and he would tell jokes an d I would laugh lke crazy...stuff like that...It was just a good relationship....something that I cherish, Jesus really is my friend, I got to know him...

but the thing that makes me think of these things...is that lately I have been sitting around places and people are talking to me...and kind of putting my talking to God in Boxes, for example...James you are the spiritual warefare guy (Which is cool), but it gets to me when thats all they think me and my relationship with Jesus and the Father and the Spirit is. Honest I thought most people heard and talked to Jesus like I have always done, and when they talked about hearing God, I thought it was just like me, you know tell jokes and stuff as well as the whole thing of me being human and Jesus being God. But as I have been put in these boxes, I have started to realize that people don't understand...My relatioship with the God of this universe is so personal to me, he knows me, knows my sense of humor, knows my weaknesses, knows everything about me, and is like a brother to me, brings up crap that needs to go, cleans me up from the inside, and helps me, he talks me thorugh things like, should I go to Sri lanka, we go over pro's and cons, stuff like that...Its not a static relationship where I just feel things...or see things...Its just like a friend I have down here on earth except this friend just knows me more so than anyone I have ever met,We talk like we have know each other for all my life! wow! Like We actually talk! Just like in the bible talk...Like moses and God talked..like friends...Its what God wanted from the beginig( I can show you where it says that, God is all sad and says if you they don't want to talk to me then I will send them prophets...and stuff like that) and with that friend there is an unlimited amount of things that we can do...Anythng goes...as long at we are doing it together... We chat I get to see him sometimes...Its nice...

yea...I love my love, my friend, my king and my God

Post...What POST

2005-12-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

ok so I'm back at school, and just kinda sitting here wishing I could get out of here...So Im thinking...It seems that so many options this year were demolished...Dubai, my contact quit his job...so that sucks because now I can't get that job and 250,000 a year was looking quite nice! hah...awwwwwwwwwww...That really sucks actually it makes me want to swear! But listening to blindside really helps! well its some sort of thing where my rage comes out in the music! YAH!

but I just finished my first exam...I didn't seem that hard...but who knows...not for profit managment can be a bitch. yea...so yea...All I know is that I am excited for what is coming around the corner! Its like I'm a clam and the whole world is my oyster. i could go with samaritans again...or find a job over seas...I even have an opportunity to go and learn how to sail in the americans cup! So much stuff to do...but what to do. What to do...I could get into real estate here in calgary...or start a concrete finishing job...So many options...so many dreams...

hmmm....maybe I'll start a salmon fishing company in BC...

Narnia

2005-12-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

The movie was sweet, but what was more important to me...was that they didn't change it from the book, they kept it the same...(As far as I can remember) I liked it...good movie...

ok..

2005-12-10T17:19:00.000-08:00

Well I admit I was a little harsh...but time to move on...Yea...got a haircut today...

james

Christians

2005-12-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

ok...I'm one of em, and to be honest, I don't want to be apart of them. Today in Class people were talking about amazing race and how the Christian family were the worst back stabbers and the worst people around...gRRRR...no I'm not mad at the people saying it, because what they are saying is true.

Two weeks ago a friend of mine said that he would never consider going into business with a non christian...I hold the opinion on the other side of the spectrum. Most of the time when I have done business with Chrisitans they are the biggest cheats, the biggest liars, and have no money sense, because they expect you to roll over and die at their feet so that you can serve their greater good.

Chrisitans screw people, they are slick with their words, Have no ethics, other than you must serve me ethic...(OK I"M WAY over gerneralizing here) But As I hang out with my non Chrisitan friends, this is what they say "Christians are horrible people" And then they look at me cuz they know I'm a chrisitan...and there is this pleading look in their eyes, like arn't you guys supposed to be good.

And What do I say...I don't like Chrisitans either, To high and mighty over shit, and like to lord it over all people that they have the moral ground...

ok I could go on and on...but this could get bad...

I love Jesus

ok this morning

2005-12-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

So this morning I woke up restless, a carry on from the night before. I got in my car with 45 min to get to school, took me and hour and 5 min, people suck at driving! The roads were bare of any ice or snow, I have driving roads in the summer that were worse than those. but yea people doing 80 in an 110 zone. Idiots! make me miss what I am coming to school for. door knobs! I missed 2 percent of my mark for those smucks! I even left early so I would definitly get to school on time! GRRRRRRRRRRRRr....So that doesn't help my restlessness. I'm at school eating my egg mc muffin that you can buy here for surprisingly cheep, drinking my raspberry kiwi karma by fruitopia thinking about how I want a girl friend. I have been good for a couple of months, with the occasional urge to just go out and kiss someone just so I feel like I am ok. (I was going to go up to this one girl who is always giving me the eyes and just dip her and kiss her and then leave, but descided I might get mace in the eye) But today my restlessness is the fact that I just want to be sitting on a coutch have some dark beauty curl up to me and tell me that she loves me. This is what I want, !

A rant and a rave...du du du du ..badaadadaadada

2005-12-05T16:03:00.000-08:00

ok, this has been on my mind since last tuesday...and I think its kinda funny! But kind of a piss off too!

So People all around the world wether penticostal or evagelical, or meno or catholic have told me that I hear God...and to be honest...I like talking to him. (This may sound wierd for some of you...if it does I'm sorry, but When I read the bible before I was a christian I told God that when I was going to do this Chrisitan thing I wanted to talk with him like he talked to most notable people in the bible...Still think I'm a freak, read the bible and you will find out that it says, especailly in the later second of the bible that the people heard God, and doesn't Jesus say that there is so much he can't tell us now, because we arn't ready for it when he left this earth 2000 years ago...which would imply that he can teach us later on...as in talk to us later on through the counselor and stuff) ok still think I'm a freak, cool. I'm down with that...pray for me, I could always use more. really thats not sarcastic!

anyways...so here I am trying to listen to God, and there is a situation that comes up last tuesday, and God tells me that I have to read to this person from Psalm of psalms 8 something or 6 something or other...so I open my bible up. And a friend comes over and asks me what I got, he thinks its some spiritual warfare thing...because he doesn't want to do that stuff in front of his kids...(Cool totally down with that) But I get to thinking how funny how people defalut to Spiritual warfare when ever stuff like this comes up, (its a inside joke). Why can't God just want to talk to his kids, just like a Father would. I know he does all over the world, except here in Canada when you bring stuff like this up, people freak out and call you a whole bunch of bad names, like "not a Chrisitan", and things like that. But yea anyways...Thats just what I wanted to write about today.

just seeing if my blog workds

2005-12-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

yea just seeimg if my blog workds

sitting here

2005-12-04T19:01:00.000-08:00

for the first time in 2 or 3 years I am taking a day off for being sick...and I can feel my menonite blood on stirring because of it...(JAMES YOU SHOULDN"T TAKE TIME OFF WORK BECAUSE YOU ARE SICK! THATS HORRIBLE WHAT WOULD YOUR MENO FAMILY THINK) but yea I'm going to take the day off and just sit around and do stuff...clean the car and do stuff that I have been putting off for 3 months since school gots nutziod...

ok I'm going to bed!

I had something to write

2005-12-03T11:14:00.000-08:00

ok...

finished my last test today

2005-12-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

well...Thats is until finals I am done school. (Finals...who cares about them) But yea...it feels good...coming out with final presentations marks like 98.4% and now a 100% on another...I feel like I want to sleep...I really need too.

brain freeze in november

2005-11-29T13:03:00.000-08:00

I bought a slurpee today...Stupid choice...on the first suck I got a brain freeze and now want to lop my head off with the razor sharp paper edge of my assignment. I'm still excited that I got to go skiing on Saturday. But yea...I'm just pumped! There isn't much to talk about...oh wait...one thing..

So The other day Jesus comes up to me and asks me to give a piece of my life up for HIM! not that it was wrong or anything...He just wants me to give it up. And so I have tried and tried, its been an actual struggle, and yesterday I failed. and that sucked but as I was going to bed I told God that I failed him today, and he said to me "Son, do you know the times when your father asked you to do something for him"
"Yea I do"
"Well its the same sort of thing for me, I asked you to complete a task and you have been trying, and today you failed, but I'm proud of you for even trying to finish what I asked you to start, tomorrow keep trying, don't worry about screwing up, I love you" and I drifted into sleep.

skiing

2005-11-27T12:33:00.000-08:00

yesterday Me, Stu, Suzi, Qracy, and Adam and some new crew Jason, Jana and todd ripped it up at sunshine yesterday! I was an amazing day, jumping off cliffs, going as fast as you can just pounding down the hill! It was pretty amazing! I didn't get hurt at all...that was a miracle, but then I wasn't trying anything big...but freak fast...just huge speed.

oj....its time to go and sleep!

ok...ok

2005-11-22T08:48:00.000-08:00

So this is what I have been thinking...

-We live in a state of fear
-The media thrives off of our fear of the world and the people around us.
-Men are in todays world supposed to be wimps.
-Women are supposed to be men in todays world.
-Coffee with honey is WAY better than coffee with sugar.
-Truth is hard to come by, even when watching CNN, Even in church truth is hard to come by.
-People don't know truth.
-They know what others have told them and whether bad or good and belive it. There is no testing anymore...
-I'm getting hungry and would really like lobster bisk today, but where can I find it for less that 30 bucks.

no comments...so I must not be saying anything contraversial...or maybe madonna just didn't do it for people!

2005-11-22T08:22:00.000-08:00

HAR HAR...well I just got back a test today...51%...All my answers were right...but they weren't exactly worded as on the site...So the friggen teacher wanted me to just cut and paste his answers onto the test...So in other words...he doesn't want me to bring in what he is teaching and think about it and then apply the knowledge that he is teaching...he just wants me to cut and paste with out learning a thing...Ass hole...Check mark!

on a friday night

2005-11-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

so yea...I'm sitting here was supposed to be studying, its 9:52 and I'm going to beed...so I was thinking...I write on this thing alot...and I kinda dig it...but then I'm always writing somewhere...and I don't have much paper anymore so it goes on here...well not all of it... But ya right now I'm kinda depressed...the first friday night I have been home in a long time, and I'm not going to lie to you it sucks! I'm board out of my tree, and not having fun at home! I really want to move out of here...Overseas or to buy my own place...I don't care right now! I just want freedom again...and the ability to drive around the city with out the half hour drive into the city and the half hour drive back to the farm. Just kickin' around and having a good time, I love my parents, but its just time to move out again, I can feel it in my bones or maybe thats just the depressing night seeping into my marrow...maybe...

Hey...its old but good

2005-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.shynola.com/movies/j_s/j_s_download.htm

GO here!

If you didn't like madonna and all her sexual innuendos...go here and this will make you happy...Download the video...!

madonna

2005-11-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

ok, I heard this song on the R-A_d=i-o and maybe its because I'm a dance techno freak, But yea it really isn't that good considering madonna ripped off an old abba song, but anyways...I was rocking out to this song in the car and found the video today...Honestly people say that madonna is looking good for her age, but there is one thing that (Sorry girls) women cannot pull off...is the freaking tight thong dancing grossness! honestly it isn't even attractive! But yea...besides the dance orgy minute. There is some sweet dancing on this video, especally when the cook grabs a fish and flips off the counter! I love it A FISH OF ALL THINGS!

So yea check it out....
http://video.msn.com/v/en-ca/v.htm?g=987bad13-51a6-45f2-802e-163c7d48fb04&t=c317&f=37/81&p=ENCAmusic_ENCAvideos
and if you want to leave me a comment on why I shouldn't be listing to madonna...yea go ahead and see what happens! Come on I dare you

peace?

2005-11-14T18:25:00.000-08:00

Last night was good...Talking to stu and some sort of...insecurity came out...I know why but hey this is the internet and who knows who is reading! haha...maybe I have a stalker, you never know...HAHAHAHA! cool never had one of those.

So yea...I'm sitting there yesterday get to church and just want to talk to Jesus...So I'm there praying...and Jen walks in and we start to talk, asking her how things are going...Well we just start praying and she starts getting all these pictures from Jesus. Good stuff about how There is one part of me that needs to be grown up...(Its cool, cuz I've had this feeling like that for a while, so it sat good in my gut, like watermellon right after a rugby game, its good you can even eat the seeds if you want to) But yea this part of me...In the past satan had won, because this was supposed to happen sometime in the past...and now God was giving me another chance at it...Which is exactly what is going on...In church its like I'm going through my Center Street hell again, seeing whats going on...and not being able to tell anyone, because they won't listen. stuck being the freak in the corner.

But she did say that this was something else...Maybe this is the season for second chances for James Alexander Von Boldt, I'm down with that but that also mean confronting demons from my past...But I'm also down with that...Kick some ass! hahah

But yea then Jen tells me something that has been part of my life for a while...I have never really been totally peaceful! and I can't blame that on the ADD. but yea I have never been completely peacefull...and so last night...(Wow this is a long one) Listing to Sherry preach the good news peace fell upon me...and I mean upon because it was God...and even today...peace swarms my soul......................... Nothing is going on in me head...I like it...peace...

Class

2005-11-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

ok I'm sitting in finance right now...and the teacher is boring the piss out of me...I'm seriously going nutz...wow...its horrible...I should be studying right now...but WOW! I have a headache...I don't know whats up...maybe I need sleep or something like that...

ok...Music

2005-11-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

ok...no matter who you are...this one is for you... http://www.modelcitizens.org/music.html then listen to ocean walk...You won't regret it...********YOU MUST RIGHT CLICK ON IT AND DOWNLOAD IT(SAVE TARGET AS) its good

2005-11-02T14:10:00.000-08:00

THE JULIANA THEORY LYRICS
"Into The Dark"

Dad, your boy is about to fallHe walks the razor's edge He's on the brink of fading outHe's at his bitter end Dad, your boy who used to run, you taught him how to crawl He left home to find his own, now all he had is gone In your eyes I see a darkness that torments you and in your head where it dwells I'd give you my hand if you'd reach out and grab it Let's walk away from this hell Mom, your baby is on his way He'll soon be at your side Cause he's forgotten all he's known A part of him has died Mom may never understand why baby's come and goneHe left home to find his own, now all he has are lies.

bitterness revealed

2005-11-02T11:48:00.000-08:00

So last night bitterness washed over me like a storm...And Jesus Showed up in the middle of it...And starts praying through me stuff I have never even seen before...

Bitterness is pushing me towards him...
God is moving

MUSE

2005-10-31T13:28:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm thinking of but one thing...well my thoughts are concerned about one thing...This STUPID international marketing assignment. For some reason this is the one project that I don't want to do...Maybe because I think I won't learn anything, or maybe its just because I want to run away into the great muse of life...Not having a single care in the world.

Ever think of being a pirate...I have...Think there would be bad things and good things...and that I could be a moral pirate and only steal from people who need stuff stolen from them...ea...

something like that

bitterness

2005-10-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

So I was asking Jesus the other night about something and he just whipped this out. I was on a beach and there were waves of bitterness hitting me and plowing into me and knocking me over. But I had a map in my hand, and drawn out on the map was the path that Jesus was taking me. and I couldn't get away from that path, I was following it no matter what. even if it ment being knocked over by the bitterness. but clawing my way onto that path and no ever giving up on it.

its wierd sometimes, how bitterness is moulding me right now...I see stuff very differently from other times in my life. How the smallest things sometimes make me so friggen bitter and pissed off that its not even funny. But the wierdest thing is that Jesus is using that bitterness to change me from what I was to what he wants me to be...

Something

2005-10-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

yea...too much time not doing homework, too much time thinking. Not enough sleep and trying to get off coffee, and that makes me grumpy. hmmm...Maybe candy would help...or actually a meal of something good to eat. hmmm...

This is what I have been thinking about...

1. I want to move. But I'm scared to move.
2. I want to go someplace where I can just be me.
3.Thats hard...
4. God and me mixed up with Church is hard right now.
5. I really want to ride a motor bike across the African/Mediterranean coast.

hmm....Maybe I do need something to eat...

check this out

2005-10-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.beam.tv/beamreels/reel_player.php?reel=XkNbYWSwTr&reel_file=PtPkHFCGcd

ooo....soul

2005-10-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

At school...and my teachers are talking about finals...oooo boy! I can't believe it! I'm almost done...and then...who knows....Motor biking through the northern coast of Africa on my BMW 1150R Adventure http://www.bmw.ca/motorrad/overview/model_overview_fs.asp?lang=en&modelId=53&modelName=r1150gsadv. Or hopefully living in the wonderous middle east smoking lots of shesha and have a blast visiting my brother and his wife on the above motorrad. living hard but playing hard... trying not to get the runs lots and living every adventure I can find... and also having my new jacket keeping me warm. http://www.arcteryx.com/product.aspx?prod=1948

Man..I can't wait...

I like this

2005-10-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/7BE451EE-4D86-4A12-8AE2-FAFCE2A2CB6F.htm

My friend just lost her son

2005-10-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

Hey...who ever you are pray for my friend and her husband, she just lost her baby.

http://www.chrisandkara.com/

people

2005-10-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

Last night at home church God was moving and teaching us stuff...like how to heal people and things like that.

I probably shouldn't be writing this stuff on here....

ok here is something completly different...Here is what I am listing too right now...

Because of the lack of originality in all that is Christian music except for Mute Math, I have scrounged for something that can tweak my interest in the music catagory.

1.Muse...Everyone should have some of this in their rack, its hard rock, countless creative vibes...and the Words are intense...check em out.
2. Jurrassik 5- Rap piss you off because its all but Nigga that, kill this and booty here. Check these guys out, they are bringing back Hip hop, so is blackalisious...AWESOME!
3. Hard-fi- Kinda like a david bowey mix with club beats sort of...Again, its different, its sweet! You need some of it in the player
4. AudioSlave....if you don't like em shame on you, its good, its musical like a popsical, and the lyrics are like honey on the chops.
5. liam titcomb-...This guy is awesome! Van morison with a new color added to the box. And a little of the Boss in it too. Sweet judy blue eyes...thats all I have to say.
6. and last but not least...Jimmy eat world...If you don't like it...I might call you in the middle of the night and tell you that you wear leather pants, wait five seconds and then hang up.

ok...so those are a few of the things that I am listing too...Check em out...and I gurEntEE that there will be something that you like in it!

oh yea and Beduin Soundtrack, like the guys from the place where there are sand storms...

IMG_1072

2005-10-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

IMG_1072
Originally uploaded by the dawntreader.

the pipe...A man in the mountains, you need a pipe.

not for profit managment

2005-10-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

ok...So I have worked for many not for profit companyies, and its been good. But this class is pissing me off hardcore. We have a multiple choice test, and there is too much of the stuff we have to memorize that truely we will never have know. If he was doing a case study maybe we would have to know all this stuff...buts its freaken multiple choice! STUPID!!!!! Who hates lazy teachers! ME! I DO !!!! GRRRRR....!$* 148 pages of stuff that I have to know...

for 4 years

2005-09-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

For about 3 and a half years God has wanted me in Calgary, Sure he has let me go around the world still, but he has never let me stay. He called me Back from Barcelona, Austria, Bosnia, Serbia, and finally Sri Lanka. That has been one of the hardest things ever. Now As I am about to finish my schooling (Jesus said that I had to do it for my folks) I can hear Jesus getting ready to move, I can feel him in my heart shuffling around. Its like my time trying to finish my schooling has been a cave where Jesus has broken me time and time again, showed me the wonders of heaven, and then instead of going out and finding answers to the mystery in my heart, he put my nose to school again.

School...Just the sound of the word makes my skin crawl. (You should see what the word accounting does to me) So yea school is almost done, I'm 2 months away from graduating with my managment something or other. And all of a sudden God is adding to a vision that he gave me way back in Bible school, the day after I asked Cordella to pray that God would teach me every he could. It was an intense vision, the biggest one I have ever seen even to date. and now he starts adding to it, showing me little things, almost baiting me, giving me a little picutre and then taking it away with out telling me anything about it.

So pray that I would finish well, and that finally he would answer all the pain and happyness he has put me through these last 4 years.

How I've been

2005-09-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

Well this past month has been eventfull...After 3 years of waiting and begging God for a break through, from...ok lets get a list going here...ok lets not, it would take too long. But yea, so many things have confused me...like my anger that just wells up inside of me and makes me want to beat people up randomly, and like the face that I hate manipulation which is good, but why I am so susceptable to it. and the list goes on...

But yea...God finally did it, with some help from some great people by the name of Merlin and Sigi and Bonnie...God finally broke through.

Peace...finally

Just reading this

2005-09-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.youthspecialties.com/articles/Yaconelli/failure.php

I don't know why...But I laugh a little bit...Maybe thats because I was never apart of the youth group thingy. Or should I say I was kicked out of the youth thingy for wearing wranglers and a cowboy hat.

The chemical brothers strike again

2005-09-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

everyone should go to the mill http://www.the-mill.com/index.php and click on music videos and then chemical brothers....and then click on right hand side view on BEAM.TV and watch it...

AWESOME!

Finance:For Non-financial managers

2005-09-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

The world floats in my thoughts, the images of the sands blowing echo in my minds eye. I can feel the wind on my face, see the sun burying my skin, Time...Am I seeing the future, because when I open my eyes I read the most dreadful thing to meet my eyes today, Finance: for non financial mangers... The class I took last year and now have to take over again. But in This I take hope, that I will graduate in 3 months...And then I will be free again to roam the world at will with only a hope and a prayer guiding me...I might climb kilemenaro next year...or maybe try and trek through the Andes...who knows...the world awaits. But tonight I teach at home church...So if you read this...Pray a little bit, I need guidance.

2005-09-06T08:46:00.000-07:00

my favorite pic of the day

2005-09-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

Your's truly

2005-09-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

Adam shitting his pants...the water was up to the hood

2005-09-06T08:34:00.001-07:00

this was the fun ride

2005-09-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Wheeling...the good life

2005-09-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

you should all go to www.endageredman.com

ok this is what I am diong right now

2005-09-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back at SAIT...Finally going to Graduate! Good ol' God! and then hopefully I'll be out and about again...Even though I would really love a vacation...just to relax and stuff...But God will provide !

so yea...This is my current frame of mind
-People need to stop talking and expirence some stuff and then find a good balance
-I need to see some God! I'm would really love it if some Spirit would start falling on me!
-I don't like school, but I gots to deals withs its...
-Family fun! I'm living with my folks again...its good..but not so good.
-Yea...I want some Jesus to come down and rock my world!

done

thinking

2005-09-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

Seriously I'm frustraited with things or maybe people right now...This whole modern look at Christianity and all that jazz...all of this talking about stuff rationalizing stuff and making out lives truthfull and honest...Its really starting to get on my nerves, I could handle it for a bit, like 2 to 3 years of it, but seriously nothing is happening in many peoples lives...they just get together and talk and have coffee and now a beer (Which used to be bad for Christians but now is ok, because why hide the fact that beer does taste good...) But they talk about how God never shows up in their lives or free's them from their bondage or what ever you want to call it, and how frustraiting it is...and so you say to them, "Hey, I've been there, do you want to take a chance and let the Spirit of Jesus Christ actually do his job in you, would you like to be Baptised in the Spirt and see stuff happening. And so what do the people do, either freak out and repeat the first thing that was drilled into their minds about Baptism of the Spirit by their pastors and stuff who really have had no expirence in those sorts of things and who by the way have spent most of their entire lives in the Church and have never really been outside in the real world trying to save the people out there...(OK there is a little bitterness in my heart) or if they don't repeat the information that they were told, they start to discuss the pros and cons of the whole thing and in the end get so distracted, that they don't even remember that you were just offering something and chose to rip apart and analyze it so that all the heart and warmth of what you were actually offering is on the floor and you walk away knowing that if they would just stop using their minds to figure everything out about the mystery that is Christ they might just actually get to know the person Jesus.

Just a rant...and what a way to start blogging again! YES!

been a long time

2005-07-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well...Its been a while since I was on here...I guess I should give you the update...I have been working like a mad man...Which is good and bad at the same time...God and me have had some really good times and some bad times... but in the end its balanced out on the good side. And right now I am trying to beef up my resume and sending it to dubai...hahah...I'm pumped...But yea...thats all the updating I'm giong to do right now...there will be more...I promise

james

life...Isn't it a daisy

2005-06-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

This past couple of weeks have been hard, Me moving out, finding a new place...and just thinking about life, doing accountability, and all that good stuff... and I'm finding out more and more what it is to trust in the big man, to trust in Jesus, that he is so in love with me, that he takes care of me...

Seems simple...but I dig it, its good to know in the hard part of life

Talk IS cheep

2005-05-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well last night I went out and hung out with the homeless, giving away food and stuff to everyone really who wanted some. We got a little BBQ out and made hotdogs and stuff, spaghetti and sauce, all kinds of stuff. and I found out something about the guys who live it out on the street, they Value Choice. Like if you wanted cheese on your hot dog, mustard or whatever, juice, water milk. They look at us and see us getting our pick of the market, so they want it too. Makes sense.

Also yesterday was a first for me, it was my first out door climb. And even though it was my first, I don't think it will be the last, Stu when you come home I need a climbing partner, Bonnie and Sara are great, but when it came to fall protection, I wouldn't mind if there was some one a little bigger on the other end! HA!

Yea...Choice, Climbing, and do you know what...There wasn't much talk yesterday, just action. and I liked that.

Now to be like Stu, I want to start praying for the poor and hungry and I want to see God move. its been a while.

something happened

2005-05-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

Last night, God did something in me. Accountability and repentance...He showed me how they really fit into my life and it is awesome. Confession really does bring healing, but that healing I'm finding out is more than just in my soul, that healing comes between The Holy Spirit and my Spirit, and then my to my soul and then to my mind...

ok...I'll write this

2005-05-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

well, I'm sitting here after I just read kirks post on the epic site. He just is kinda writing out his thoughts on kingdom theology. and do you know what. I got kinda mad, which maybe wasn't a good thing. (Clarification, I'm not mad at what he wrote, not at all, I agreed with most of it) .

the peice that I am mad about, is why are we trying to be something differnt than what we are? or maybe the question is why are we always talking and never have any action. Like maybe I'm not better, but I was friggen hurt when I was all pumped about going and doing stuff in the neighborhood where we are, and then being told that that is not the way we do things at epic. It really pissed me off...and this is where the kingdom theology comes into play, ok so we are learning all this stuff, which is good and I speak for myself and only myself, I have heard it all before a million times, and it get kinda boring, because we are talking about all this good stuff, but are we seeing it, I don't know exactly, but seriously with all this speak about God moving and stuff, I just want to go out and see if it works. Because I can tell you one thing, and I might be wrong, but I might be right too. I havn't seen God move in Epic in a while. I'm not talking God moving in personal stuff, he does that all the time. But I'm talking about community moment, like in acts where paul is talking through the night and a guy falls out of window and cranks his head into ground, and then paul prays and bingo, guy is alive again. Talk about community growth, Not only do they get to hear the man speak but also God shows up and does something too to enlarge the community faith.

thats why I really dig bonnie and sigi and what they are doing right now, they are puttin it on the line! (Sigi if you are reading this I want to be out there, but I asked God, and i heard him say I should go home and get ready for work, so next week is when I am heading out) So yea puttin it on the line, I and when I look into their eyes now, i see that their eyes are clearer, like crystal clear, its really wierd. But anyways...I'm thinking of wether or not I should publish this...

Yes...yes I will

ok

2005-05-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

well...I've been sitting here thinking so much over the past few days of What in the World did God want me to recieve while I was in Sri lanka. And there is just one thing out there, that is even now bringing tears to my eyes. Something that I have missed to much in my soul over this past year of turmoil. That there is nothing that can take me from his love, that I don't have to change anymore to make him love me more. That he is Madly In Love with me! MADLY, There is nothing that I need to change to make that love come cascaiding into my soul again, even now I feel a warmth in my heart just saying it. I was reading a book , and there was this quote in it. Rich mullens was sitting there and was asked to come and speak of the love of God to a group of kids, because they needed to change their lives, get away from drugs, stop getting pregnant and all that stuff. And It dawned on Rich that right then and there, Thats not the reason to tell these people about Jesus love.

the reason to tell them about Gods love is just that, that Jesus is just madly in love with them right now, right here.

Its been hard for me to love me this last year, I've had some things spoken into my life, like how I'm a manic depressive, I'm dangeous and am going to hurt/kill people one day, how I'm bi-polar and a whole lot more shit that that. needless to say that I was ravaged by those words floating around my life. I went to a shrink to see if it was really true, she told me no, All that I was was ADD, and with that included completly normal. Shit, I knew that, but man it felt good to have a professional tell me that.

After 8 months of that, it will take some time to heal, and I think God is just doing that...He is madly in love with me! There is nothing that I need to do anymore...

cool link

2005-05-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

www.koreus.com/files/200408/radiohead_creep.html

Its wierd...but I dig the animation

ok post two for the day

2005-05-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here thinking, about God and how he works. Like in Sri lanka, if you take the banana leaves and thatch them for your roof on, and you harvest them on a full moon day, your roof will be ok for about 40 years, but if you harvest them on any other day, your roof will only last about a year before it rots away. And if you go fishing on the new year, the fish will be bigger than on any other day of the year.

I just thought that this was amazing. how God works it all out, all the little stuff he put in creation. Truth...Wierd truth, but truth.

you know it

2005-05-13T07:01:00.000-07:00

Well, coming home to converge...I was surprised, I dunno, 3 weeks I didn't think would make that much of a difference. But the place is different, 3 people that I met, their eyes were clear, crystal clear, they were excited to get out and do stuff, to take control and go out and help people. The speaking was good, it wasn't set out, well sort of it was, but it was God in a wierd and wonderful way.

I liked this

2005-05-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/CalgarySun/News/2005/05/08/1030507-sun.html.

Just coming from a Place where there is white and black, where there is life and death, hope and desparation. Reading this artical pounds in my heart like a ringing gong. As Canadians we stand for nothing. There can be no more hero's because everyone has to be the same, we all have to be the same indifferent piece. the thought in our society is to hold an oppion is to incite hatred.

Even me, with my Christianity, its hard for me because the seeds of liberal equality have been sowed in my heart, i have trouble finding and standing on the truth of Christ. It comes from trying to tell people that Christ is the only way, but I always stop on the Only part. Its not that I don't believe it, I believe it with all of my heart. But I stop at the only part because, the seed of equality in my heart, has turned into a set of glasses I see the world in. And its starting to piss me off. I miss the world of white black and grey, not just all grey, the desire in my life is to be built on a rock, which is Christ. A black and white! An answer, truth. I want to be different, I want to be a hero, I want to do great things that maybe no one else will do. I want people around me to do the same, to take a bullet for a friend, to be different, not to fit into the intelectual, physical and psychologial mold and maybe you might piss some people off, offend some others, but I think we will grow, in the light of Christ we will grow by pushing forward. I no longer want to be luke warm, but I will grown in the love of Christ if I ask . I put this before you Father, My king, you and your Sprit make things grow and bear fruit, this is what I want. I submit it to you.

your prince, who wants to learn how to fight against relativism

Trying to figure it out

2005-04-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that I am sooooo restless, that much of my problems come from this and this seems to spawn more cried to Jesus to change me so he can use me...Not to be pious, but Frick I really want to be used, But its starting to make me mad...Because it just seems that I have less and less to say, less and less to do, less and less place to do anything. I feel so useless, and I guess thinking of this trip (I always think too soon, and don't ponder enough maybe) of the boardom, of the things that I have had to face here, the boardom, the watching people work, the heat. Maybe that this place is a metaphor of my life right now. I'm board, tired of watching people, and the heat I am constantly feeling. But there is so much life around me here, the palm tree's, the bannana tree's. The fish in the sea, the birds the animals, all the people there is life.

I'm still restless, I'm tired of the heat, tired of the nothing to do or say, I want to move, I want to run...to hop up and scream Yea! and see things change...Maybe I'm missing the way, maybe I'm missing something...I don't know...But God, i'll keep going, your will be done...

2005-04-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

lavann and his wife and kid!

2005-04-28T20:09:00.000-07:00

filling up the world vision truck early morning

2005-04-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

it was a good night to take pictures

2005-04-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

our site at dusk...

last night

2005-04-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we pumped 209900 liters, 8 thousand liters short of our record. it was a long day, Jason (The project manager and I stayed at the filters till about 9 o'clock last night waiting for our storage bladders to fill up) It was a long day, 7-9, I had a little break in the morning and Jason in the afternoon. But when the sun went down, Jason pulled out the samaritans purse lap top and we put in a movie. For the first time since I have gotten here we took a real break. It was crazy like, just to sit there in the dark, with lightning flashing over the far away mountains, in the cool 30' air, and just watch a movie. It was amazing, we both felt refreshed after that...And today Some of my friends are taking me to a beach, and we are going swimming.

Assaulted

2005-04-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

I didn't think it could happen, but here I am at home, when I should be working taking a break...Its been almost 3 weeks since I have gotten here, and i'm almost burnt out...10-14 hours a day just sitting there watching bags fill up with water. Sure its cool to be doing that, but man...It's getting to me. You know I could handle this I think if there was something I could be doing. But I don't have anything except sitting in a chair watching the Sri Lankans working. Well for the first time I can say this...Wow, this isn't for me. I understand the whole need for water, and I will work till the cows come home and they walk by everyday, once in the morning and once at night...But please, 7 days with out any time to get out and have a little fun...or get out by any means, is hard for me. I like personal interaction, I like hanging out with people. not watching them work. And the worst part of it all is that my friends on the crew want to go and hang out with me...but I don' t get the chance to get out and hang out with my friends, because I'm stuck at the plant. GRRRRRRR...Thats my rant for the day...Pray...please! pray!

my friend and pastor

2005-04-24T07:18:00.000-07:00

I know not many people read this thing...but if you are out there, my friend and father kinda figure/pastor/ good buddy, is going through some crappy times...he runs a roofing company, and has had two of his best people fall off something and break their backs, in the past month. It sucks, really sucks...Pray for him...Merlin is his name...

me...Besides the news...am having an exceptional day...It was 42 degrees in the shade today...and I am sweating my bullocks off! hahahahahahahahah. Yesterday we almost broke out record of 220000 liters of water, we missed it by 8000 liters...Oh well... Twas a good day...but now I'm ready for sleep...and the joy of it all...! May God break all of dreams, and crush all of your plans...so you may dance in his presence a broken man with nothing but God in your heart, and his thoughts will take you where ever you must go. I dunno If I got that right...but something that I am learning...

James

Don't it feel like sunshine after all

2005-04-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

This morning was my second day of going to the beach before the sun rose. It is beautiful, God met me there, in a quite way...When I was walking there, just peace flowed into me...and that was that...I must endure what I am going through...I must...the Spit has hit the fan so many times this last year...but I must endure...

Keep going...I must...

The pain keeps coming, I have to rush it.

2005-04-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

lavann and Suthan...Good guys...Lavann birthday is coming up..he wants to go out and party...but thank you Samaritans purse I can't!!! GrRRRR...no beer for James

2005-04-22T00:19:00.000-07:00

Hope...This is what its all about

2005-04-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

this is an emergancy shelter, buildt by the Tamil Tigers. Probably the best shelter out there. its two room, with a thatched roof. The girl on the right was the one I talked about before, she knee was mangled in the tsunami. These girls lost their two youngest siblings...Its hard...Just to watch them...

2005-04-22T00:12:00.000-07:00

this whole area used to be a city block...10,000 people used to live here and the surrounding area...that looks just like this...They say the water came in Whirl pools like, swirling and ripping things and people apart. there were three waves, and the first wave wasn't that big, but many of the muslim women who were walking around the place lost most of their clothing, and they ran home in shame. and then when the second wave, which was the biggest came, the people tried to get their wives and daughters to run out of the house', but they wouldn't leave ,already feeling shamed enough. only to be killed when their houses were crushed. sick

2005-04-22T00:02:00.000-07:00

here you can see where the wave was...well sort of anyways...The Banana tree's have really soft leaves, and when salt water comes in contact with them they die...and the one tree in the middle you can see half of the leaves are almost falling off the tree... That is about 30 feet off the ground...and the concrete round things lying there are well covers that were blown off their mounts

2005-04-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

Tsunami Damage...Here the wave was 30 feet tall and cut like a razor

2005-04-21T23:50:00.000-07:00

me trying to fandangle shooting off a couple of rounds from my new Special task force buddy

2005-04-21T23:48:00.000-07:00

Well this is the onion tank of my project..exciting oh yea!!!

I was thinking today

2005-04-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

You spoke to my heart that even if I chose to go out tonight and get wasted and then have a one night stand, you will still love me. But as I stared at the sun coming up over the clouds this morning, I knew one thing, I don't know what to ask of you anymore. I don't know where I am supposed to go. I have an idea, but I need you, I don't know what for right now...but I need you somehow, my Spirit just won't let you go. I am forgiven but I want more, but have grown tired of wanting and never being refreshed, I havn't been filled up these past, I don't know how to get near to you right now, I just don't know how. I need help. I'm messy, and shitty! I smell and got so much of me stuck up in the air right now, I reek of something, like bad wine, or something nasty right now...And I need it, you have pierced my heart, ground my teeth in gravel, cut out my heart. You have spoken things to me God, and I have said them, you have asked me to pray things, and I have prayed them.

I await for you, I will await you at the dawn until...Until, something.

ok

2005-04-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to upload pictures...but let me tell you..it would take a day and a half...

ever walked into a place and felt like poo

2005-04-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I went into the Tamil Refugee camp...The people there were soooo...Holy, I don't know how to explain it...They were just so holy. They laughed and cried as I took their pictures, I wanted to give more...I wanted to build them a house...But what could I do...Nothing, except take their picture...

I don't know what to do...something more has to happen...or something

so what, that they have guns

2005-04-18T07:25:00.000-07:00

Well Yesterday, I drove my first motor bike here in Sri lanka...(ummmmmmmmmm, can anyone say...Yes James, God answered your prayer) haha, I loved it and pulled a wheelie right off the start and startled Faiss almost right off the bike! it was so cool. We drove through the farm side just looking and watching everything as it went by...Truely amazing, so Beautiful! Crazy Beautiful.

well that was last night, but today was pretty boring except when the country director walked up to me while I was reading a book on the job...Scared the pants off of me!

But then I met the big boss....well the commander of the area for the armed forces or something like that here in Ampara. Big boy with an m-16 hanging off his shoulder...If he comes around next time I'm going to ask him If I can shoot it...I hope so, because this time I fixed his water bowser. (Nothing like curring favor with the locals) so maybe he will trade it off!

Anyways the guys I am supposed to be supervising or whatever I am supposed to be doing here are GREAT!!! Just like tony the Tiger. Suki, he makes us Chi tea two times a day, I spray him with water and beat him up in return and we have lots of fun together! Jagar, is divorced but still has two wives! (Good to be a muslim I guess) but a great guy, the only one who puts up a fight in an arm wrestle. Maru, the crew supervisor, who was the 2nd Army commander in Sri lanka for 10 years before he retired, and was trained by the CIA to do "Stuff" Wink wink nudge nudge if you know what I mean, Maru is awesome a real stand up guy! ....and I'll write about the other guys later....

But yea...I'm here with my Boss Jason, the engineer, who is freaking awesome and some how handles my jokes, Jack the old guy who is good and we really have fun...well I do, I think he just shakes his head at me and leavs me alone for the most part...and Faiss...Our driver who has commendered my cowboy hat this evening to go partying in...(I'm so proud of him) But yea...I got to get off of this things...I;ll wirte more erresadfa lateeer !

2005-04-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

a 30 foot wave...I'll put some pictures up in a bit...but A FRIGGEN 30 foot wave! I was walking through the rubble and this man came up to me...he couldn't speak english, and he took us into the only thing that kind of resembed a house anymore, half of it was torn away and only 6 walls were left standing, and he tells us that at breakfast, his family was eating, and the wave came, not from the direction of the sea but sideways, (They say that the water came in giant swirling pools of water, and it came from the wierdest directions) and ripped his family apart, 4 or 5 died, and all of his cattle and, he is saying this with tears in his eyes. But there is still hope, as we walked down the beach, there is this blue house that someone has buildt up, its on 3 meter stilts, And the man who buildt that lost everything as well, but he is proud of his house, he looks at us and says "Tsunami, NO come"! and we all laugh. And then as we walked some more we find some fishermen, who are repairing their nets, and then one old man comes and grabs me and says, "come come"! so I come to this other little gathering of fishermen, and they are passing around something vaguly familular, One looks at me. "No house, No Family, Tsunami, but Ganja" I almost died laughing! It was sooooo Funny! Well I say to my self as I am desparatly trying to tell them that I don't want any as they force the pipe under my nose, Well at least they got something.

I think that is why I want to help these people, because of the hope that I see. It is a God thing, not an allah thing, or a Krisnah thing, but a jesus thing, almost like it is his answer to the pain, he takes the devastation and says, HOPE have hope! There is nothing better, you almost died! HAVE HOPE! That is my gift to you, laugh, joy, There is yet HOPE! Hope for a better day, hope!

You won't ever understand untill you see it and expirence it. It was the same in Bosnia, it is the same here! HOPE!

Sri Lanka

2005-04-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

SWEAT MERCIFUL CRAZY HEAT! Its hot...but not like a little hot...but hot like an oven...and I'm the Chicken...I'm a little sick, something is scratching the back of my throught...Which sucks...but other than that I'm good...The pinapple is sweet here...mainly becuase you can cut it off the tree in the back yard. and the coconut is good too, same reason as the pinapple

But yesterday, I flew to Ampara in an old Canadian Otter Water plane, with a canadian pilot, it was crazy! To see the country like that, There is this mountain called Adams peak, it was a giant foot print on the top of it. Its like a giant foot print, and the people here say Adam( Like adam and eve) walked on top of the mountain and left it...Kinda cool, I saw that mountain from up there...

But it is just so cool, how much of an adventure this is...Its a hard adventure, but all are. But its a real good adventure!

Adios...time to go and find something to eat.

Vancouver

2005-04-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sitting in Vancouver, not a hundred feet from where Dad Blessed me befoer I went to Austria with TREK. Its like something has come full circle. It is a drama, and I'm playing lead except, I'm a marinonette forced but with much love towards my master, for he knows my heartm to move how he wishes, to show the love and nostalga. I feel visiting this place, I'm on a tripo...or is it a trip at all? Maybe its a rite of passage, something tI must pass before I can move on. A graceous test where to bleed one way or another is one outcome that can't be avoided. I will grow on this trip this I know. It scares me...but I will grow, I will be blow out of the water...

ok...god you did one thing now it going to have to be school

2005-04-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

ok...Samaritans purse just called and they figured out all the details already...quite cool, GOD...But now School, They told me that the school would be ok...But now it isn't...Sucky...ok...Pray...God...You gota take this! Amen!